Scars

Scars

During a period of time prior to my marriage when I was trying to flaunt my independence, I decided I could handle everything entirely on my own. I was moving from one apartment to another and would not allow anyone to help me load furniture. I was going to load the glass top of my kitchen table into the back seat of my small Honda Accord and take it to my new apartment--all by myself! I carried it down a flight of stairs and made it to the parking lot, but when I got to my car, I realized the door was locked. I propped the glass table top on my foot to dig my keys out of my pocket, and was quite proud of my progress thus far! I got my door unlocked and began to gently slide the huge piece of glass into the back seat when everything--including the glass--fell apart! Apparently, I bumped the edge of the glass on the inside of the door frame at the just the right--or just the wrong--angle and CRRRRACK!!!!!!! The huge piece of glass split right down the middle! The oval shaped table top immediately became two gigantic shards of glass and one sliced the inside of my right wrist open like a hot knife through a stick of butter! The parking lot must’ve looked like a crime scene to the apartment dwellers who came home later that evening as there was broken glass and pools of blood everywhere! (In an odd twist, I was working as a counselor in a psychiatric hospital at the time and had to conduct counseling sessions with my wrist bandaged! It took a great deal of explanation at work before I was allowed to do my job!)

Many years have passed since my stubborn encounter with foolishness and glass table tops, yet I still carry a scar on the inside of my right wrist. It has faded with time, but it is still there. Sometimes when I notice that scar, I laugh a little when I remember how silly it was of me to not allow anyone to help me. Sometimes I remember how awkward it was to try to explain the injury to my employer. Nevertheless, no matter what I remember when I see the scar, I always know the wound is healed.

There is no doubt your infertility has caused scars. Some may be physical scars from surgeries you’ve endured in an attempt to correct the failures of a faulty reproductive system. The more painful wounds are the invisible ones--the scars on your wounded heart. Maybe some scars are old, some are more recent. Does your heart bear the scars of hurtful words, spoken out of ignorance, but injuring just the same? Another birthday without a baby cuts like a knife. Baby shower invitations make scars like paper cuts across the surface of your heart. Perhaps your scars run deeper. Have your heart and soul been wounded by the loss of your precious baby? What do you remember when you see the scars infertility has tattooed on your heart?

The Bible is an amazing love story to each of us who has ever felt the sting of baby hunger. It is the Word of a God who fully understands what it feels like to want a child to come into His family. He also understands what the death of a child feels like. Remember, His Child died too. If you are nursing wounds today, and you carry scars from infertility’s hand, please allow me the privilege of sharing a couple of passages of Scriptures with you. Psalm 34:18 says The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. If you are hurting because your womb and nursery remain silent, know that God is near. When you feel you will collapse under the weight of an empty cradle, envision the God of the universe rushing to your side to bear the weight for you . Psalm 147:3 says “He (the Lord) heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” If you feel wounded by infertility today, know that the Lord is working to bind your wounds. The Great Physician takes His place at your bedside to brush away your tears and bind your wounds. Even if you cannot sense His presence, God promises to be near to you, ever working, ever binding the wounds, ever healing the hurts of His child.

There’s an interesting thing about scars. When you look at them, what do you see? You can see a scar as a reminder that you’ve been wounded, or you can see them as a reminder that you’ve been healed. You can remember the hurt and the pain of the injury that caused the scar, or you can remember the healing and the restoration you’ve experienced. How will you choose to look at the scars of infertility? Will you choose to remember all the hurtful days and nights when tears flooded your face and your arms were achingly empty, or will you choose to remember that God Himself walked beside you through each and every experience? Will you choose to allow infertility to cause a chasm to grow between you and God, or will you choose to allow this difficult season to be the catalyst for a stronger relationship between you and the One who truly understands the hurts your heart carries? Your scars can be a magnificent vehicle for your testimony of healing to another who comes behind you bearing similar scars.

What will you remember when you view your scars?

Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight is 20/20

I found an old friend the other day. It was the journal I kept during the hectic days of infertility treatment. One pages recorded the medication schedule--what time to take an antigen shot, when to take an HcG shot. Another held the date of an IUI. Another marked the tear-stained record of a failed cycle and the beginning of another period. Each entry marked by infertility’s pen. As I scanned each page, memories flooded my mind. It was amazing to me that the same mind that cannot hold on to the location of my car keys could somehow recall the specific emotions and conversations that accompanied these journal entries with laser beam clarity.

As I perused these pages, I realized I was reading more than doctor’s appointments scribbled in blue ink and test results scribbled in black. Every journal entry was edited by Mercy’s hand. Beautifully written in invisible ink across every page were the words “My plan is unfolding” and they were all signed by “Grace”. In the dark days when the journal pages were crisp and blank, I could only see the empty calendar pages. I couldn’t see the entirety of God’s plan for me. I couldn’t even see the end of the month! I could only see the failed pregnancy test, the cysts that caused a delay in treatment, the addition of another diagnosis. I couldn’t see around a failed adoption to see that God really did have a marvelous plan for me and that all of these setbacks played a role.

As I look back through the pages of my journal, I remember how confusing those days were. Today I look back and see God’s hand on every page. You’ve all heard the old saying “Hindsight is 20/20”. As you look back at situations in your life, you can sometimes see things more clearly. Look at 2 Chronicles 20:20: “Have faith in the Lord your God. He'll take good care of you.” One day, you’ll be able to look back on the trials that perplex you, and realize more clearly than you can see today, God is still taking good care of you. Your hindsight will be 2 Chronicles 20/20! If, as you write in your journal today, it seems like God is no where to be found in your infertility story, remind yourself that God will take good care of you. Even if your emotions don’t line up with your faith, encourage yourself with the truth of Scripture that God loves you and will take good care of you.

A Flock of Birds & A Plane Crash

Perhaps you saw the news about a US Airways flight that crashed in the frigid Hudson River. Miraculously, all five crew members and all 150 passengers were saved! Despite being terrified and some suffering from hypothermia, every single person who boarded the plane also exited the plane alive. What caused this huge, mechanical bird to meet its demise? Was it a massive failure in the engineering system? Domestic terrorism? No. This powerful Airbus A320 jet airplane was brought down by a bunch of ordinary birds that the world would hardly even notice!

You would think it would take something bigger, stronger, smarter than a bunch of quacking feather dusters to bring down the culmination of millions of dollars and the work of the best and brightest minds in the aeronautical sciences! Unless, of course, you’ve been brought to your knees by the whimper of a newborn, or other seemingly ordinary events the fertile world would hardly even notice. Something as mundane as a picture of sweet baby feet on the cover of a magazine may be all it takes to spotlight the baby-shaped void in your life. Your heart crashes into a river of tears much like that powerful jet crashed into the Hudson River.

There’s something different about the story of this plane crash. Everyone survived! How did such a miracle occur? There was an amazing pilot at the helm of the doomed vessel who knew what to do even when everything went wrong. Guess what, hurting friend! You’ll survive your struggle as well, because there is an amazing Pilot guiding you through your journey through infertility! When infertility has caused your life to feel totally out of control and you wonder if you will survive, remember that very familiar Scripture found in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” When infertility causes your life to feel as if it is spinning out of control the Lord knows just how to guide you to safety. He knows how to bring you through each emergency, each unexpected report, each terrifying moment when you don’t know what will happen.

Remember the ferry boats? They came alongside the downed jet and rescued the passengers and took them to safety. There are “ferry boats” in your life as well! Perhaps they don’t look like ferry boats, but they are there! One “ferry boat” may come in the form of a good friend who understands your struggle because she walks that road too. Another “ferry boat” may be the compassionate prayer of your Pastor that seems to speak right to the hurt your heart carries. What “ferry boats” have you found in Scripture? Oh they’re there! The stories of Abraham and Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth! They’re all “ferry boats” to rescue you from the devastation that infertility brings.

There is one more reason I believe this story is being dubbed such a miracle. In one news report, an incredibly grateful passenger said you could hear prayers being offered up all over the plane as it was going down. Never, ever forget there is power in prayer. It may seem that your prayers go unnoticed and unanswered. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hannah prayed and prayed and kept on praying for a child even when she was discouraged because her struggle lasted so long. Her prayers were heard and answered. Keep on praying. There is power in your prayer.