As women who face the daily struggle of infertility, there is no doubt the pages of our Bibles recording chapters one and two of 1 Samuel are dog-eared. We loved to read and reread the story of Hannah as she wept and prayed in the temple, crying out to God for a baby, just as we do today. We relate to her frustration, we can almost literally feel her pain and taste her salty tears. How many times have we all sat down in the dusty floor of the temple next to Hannah and wept along with her? It’s just so good to be understood by someone else who knows what it feels like to want a baby so badly, even if that understanding sister lived thousands of years ago!
Oh, how I wish there were video cameras in Hannah’s day! As much I love to read Hannah’s words, I would really love to hear her tell her story. Wouldn’t you? I’d love to hear her make her petitions to the Almighty. I’d love to see her face when she told Eli the priest that she wasn’t drunk, but heartbroken instead. Most of all, I’d want to eavesdrop when she brought her God-sent son back to the same priest and dedicated him to the Lord. I’d ask you to watch that particular video today. Then I’d ask you to watch it again and again. And again.
I’d ask you to back the video up to 1 Samuel 1:27 when Hannah held her precious baby boy in her arms and looked at the priest, Eli, and said “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him...” And then I’d ask you to back it up and watch it again. And again. “For this child I prayed...” Back it up. “For this child I prayed...” Turn the volume up. “For this child I prayed...” I can’t help but believe if we could hear Hannah’s voice when she said these words, we might just hear her put her passionate emphasis on the word this. “For THIS child I prayed...”
The waiting in hard. You just want a baby. You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, or if it’s born at the perfect time of year. You just want a healthy baby. You cry out to God with everything in you to let this month be the month. “God, please! I can’t wait another month! I’ll go crazy! Please let me get pregnant this time!” Just one baby! That’s all you ask for! But please, let it be now! Anybody who has ever gone through infertility would absolutely understand.
But listen to Hannah. “For this child I prayed.” What she didn’t realize all those years as she was weeping and crying out to God for a baby was that every single tear and every single prayer was a prayer for Samuel. Every single tear was a tear shed for Samuel. Every single prayer was a prayer prayed for Samuel. For this child I prayed. Can you imagine the first time she saw his face? It must have all come together in an instant! “Oh, I understand! It was for this child I prayed and waited! Not another! But for this child! So worth it. He was so worth it!”
If Hannah had conceived when she first desired a child, that child would not have been Samuel. There’s no way she could have realized the specific child she was praying for, but God knew. God knows your life and your future just as specifically. All the months that have passed with negative pregnancy tests are not failures. Were Hannah’s months and years without pregnancies failures? Her story resulted in Samuel! If she had conceived even one month earlier than she did, Samuel could not have been conceived and history would have been changed. “For this child I prayed...”
I believe God has a purpose and a plan for your infertility. I believe there is a reason for every single month, every single week, every single day and every single negative pregnancy test you must endure. (Jeremiah 29:11) Keep praying. Keep asking God for children. It is our prayer that one day, just as you have wept with Hannah, you will join with her in saying, “For this child I prayed and God has granted what I asked of Him.”
Showing posts with label christian support infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian support infertility. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
You Can't!
When you struggle with infertility, there are so many “can’ts” in your life! You “can’t” go on vacation with your best friend because you may ovulate while you’re gone. You “can’t” have that cup of coffee or sit in a hot tub. You “can’t” go to another baby shower. You “can’t” figure out where the money would come from for treatment. You “can’t” handle the anxiety or depression anymore. All because you “can’t” conceive!
If you have grown up in a Christian home, you have probably heard all the Bible stories from Genesis to Revelation. Jonah and the Whale. David and Goliath. Daniel in the Lions’ Den. Go ahead! Pull your Bible off the shelf and read the stories. You’ll find lots and lots of “can’ts” there too! The Bible is full of “can’ts” that were turned into “cans” by the power of God’s hand!
Don’t let these precious stories become just stories. Remember that the men and women we read about in the Bible were just that: men and women. Men like your husband. Women like you. Ordinary people who put their trust in an extraordinary God!
Think about Daniel when he was thrown in the lions’ den. Put your husband’s face to the story. What did he hear? The lions’ claws scraping the floor of the den? What did he smell? Rotting flesh of other victims? What was it like for him that night? It was common in their day for victims to be covered in lamb’s blood before being thrown into the pit with the lions. (Boy! That’ll preach!) This way the lions would more quickly devour them. Picture Daniel dripping in blood, but not blood from his veins. He stood there untouched. A man “can’t” survive a night with the lions, can he? With God, he can!
What about Joshua? He was fighting a fierce battle against the Amorites and nighttime was coming! What would happen when darkness fell? Joshua didn’t have to worry about that! He prayed and asked God to let the sun stand still--and it did! The sun and moon stopped dead in their tracks for about 24 hours and never moved an inch! The sun “can’t” stand still in the sky and not complete it’s assigned course, can it? With God, it can!
And of course, there’s Sarah! A 90 year old woman cannot conceive and give birth to a healthy child! That’s ludicrous, isn’t it! Of course it is. A woman beyond childbearing age “can’t” give birth to a baby, can she? With God, she can!
The list goes on and on!
The waters of the Red Sea “can’t” part and stand up like walls of stone, can it? With God, it can!
A man “can’t” live inside a huge fish for three days, only to be vomited up at the right place at the right time, can he? With God, he can!
A child “can’t” defeat a nine foot tall giant in battle. A virgin “can’t” conceive. Water “can’t” be turned to wine. A crowd of 5,000 “can’t” be fed with a child’s lunch. With God, they can!
Maybe you’ve heard doctors say you “can’t” conceive. Maybe you’ve heard yourself say you “can’t” take anymore. Maybe you’ve heard your spouse say he “can’t” believe in anything anymore. Maybe you’ve heard Satan tell you you “can’t” carry a baby full-term.
Friend, pour through the pages of Scripture and watch God turn all those “can’ts” into glorious “cans”! Encourage yourself and build your faith by diving into the real stories of real people with a real belief in a real God! The same God who closed the mouths of the lions, fed thousands of people with nothing more than scraps, breathed life into ancient wombs and even placed His Son in a virgin womb, is the same God who heard your prayer today. He’s the same God who knows how badly you want that baby. Our God is the same yesterday, today and forever! He is the only one who can turn all your “can’ts” into “cans”!
I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
If you have grown up in a Christian home, you have probably heard all the Bible stories from Genesis to Revelation. Jonah and the Whale. David and Goliath. Daniel in the Lions’ Den. Go ahead! Pull your Bible off the shelf and read the stories. You’ll find lots and lots of “can’ts” there too! The Bible is full of “can’ts” that were turned into “cans” by the power of God’s hand!
Don’t let these precious stories become just stories. Remember that the men and women we read about in the Bible were just that: men and women. Men like your husband. Women like you. Ordinary people who put their trust in an extraordinary God!
Think about Daniel when he was thrown in the lions’ den. Put your husband’s face to the story. What did he hear? The lions’ claws scraping the floor of the den? What did he smell? Rotting flesh of other victims? What was it like for him that night? It was common in their day for victims to be covered in lamb’s blood before being thrown into the pit with the lions. (Boy! That’ll preach!) This way the lions would more quickly devour them. Picture Daniel dripping in blood, but not blood from his veins. He stood there untouched. A man “can’t” survive a night with the lions, can he? With God, he can!
What about Joshua? He was fighting a fierce battle against the Amorites and nighttime was coming! What would happen when darkness fell? Joshua didn’t have to worry about that! He prayed and asked God to let the sun stand still--and it did! The sun and moon stopped dead in their tracks for about 24 hours and never moved an inch! The sun “can’t” stand still in the sky and not complete it’s assigned course, can it? With God, it can!
And of course, there’s Sarah! A 90 year old woman cannot conceive and give birth to a healthy child! That’s ludicrous, isn’t it! Of course it is. A woman beyond childbearing age “can’t” give birth to a baby, can she? With God, she can!
The list goes on and on!
The waters of the Red Sea “can’t” part and stand up like walls of stone, can it? With God, it can!
A man “can’t” live inside a huge fish for three days, only to be vomited up at the right place at the right time, can he? With God, he can!
A child “can’t” defeat a nine foot tall giant in battle. A virgin “can’t” conceive. Water “can’t” be turned to wine. A crowd of 5,000 “can’t” be fed with a child’s lunch. With God, they can!
Maybe you’ve heard doctors say you “can’t” conceive. Maybe you’ve heard yourself say you “can’t” take anymore. Maybe you’ve heard your spouse say he “can’t” believe in anything anymore. Maybe you’ve heard Satan tell you you “can’t” carry a baby full-term.
Friend, pour through the pages of Scripture and watch God turn all those “can’ts” into glorious “cans”! Encourage yourself and build your faith by diving into the real stories of real people with a real belief in a real God! The same God who closed the mouths of the lions, fed thousands of people with nothing more than scraps, breathed life into ancient wombs and even placed His Son in a virgin womb, is the same God who heard your prayer today. He’s the same God who knows how badly you want that baby. Our God is the same yesterday, today and forever! He is the only one who can turn all your “can’ts” into “cans”!
I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
God Says "You're Welcome"
People often refer to the infertility experience as being like a roller coaster ride. Full of emotional ups and downs! At the beginning of a new cycle, your hopes rise and you can say with full faith and assurance that you know God is in control of your life and your future. You know that He will bring you through this trial in your life, and you trust Him to give you a baby however He sees fit.
Throughout the dreaded two week wait (that always feels like it lasts at least two months) you try to remain positive without letting your hopes rise too high. You know that if you’re not pregnant the fall will be devastating and the crash may be too much to take. The ups and downs are simply ridiculous! Still, you try to trust God through the uncertainty and you tell Him you’ll take whatever He has planned .
Day 28 comes. Day 29. Could this be it? Should you wait one more day before you take a home pregnancy test, or should you do it now? Is this the moment you’ve waited for all these months? Did God finally come through? Before the celebrating begins, you realize you’re right back where you started from. There’s no pregnancy, just another period. Another failed attempt. Another time God has said “no”. Another devastating “down” in this roller coaster ride of infertility.
The strong faith you held on to just days before seems to have dissipated. You’re hurt, disappointed and confused. If we could roll back the curtains of Heaven and have a face to face conversation with the Almighty, would it sound something like this? “God, why do You allow me to hurt like this? Don’t You know how badly I want a baby? You didn’t let me conceive. I told You I trusted You. I told You I believed You. I put this in Your hands, God, and You stopped it again!” Perhaps it’s then you would hear your Father say to you, “Child, you’re welcome.”
You’re welcome? Did God not understand you? Was there something lost along the way, or did God not understand? No, hurting friend, God didn’t misunderstand. But maybe you did.
You are reassured every time you open the Bible that God has a plan for your life that He lovingly designed specifically for you. We quote Jeremiah 29:11 as easily as we can recite our own address and phone number, but do we really believe it? I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. God tells us that He knew us before we grew inside our mother’s womb. He has us engraved on the palms of His hands. He knows you want a baby more than you want the next breath you’ll take. He also knows exactly what needs to happen for His plan to be made manifest in your life to bring about this hope and future for you. God knows the hurt you feel every time you face another period and pregnancy-free month. He also knows that if He allowed you to conceive a child that He has not destined for you it would be a magnanimous tragedy. What if He allowed you to get pregnant, yet His perfect plan for you was an adopted child? What if His beautiful plan for you includes a pregnancy to begin in 6 months, yet He weakened and thought, “Well, she’s begged for a baby so much, I guess I’ll give in and let her conceive a different child now. It won’t be the child I have for her, but I’m tired of hearing her beg.” God loves you more than that. He loves you enough to love you through your misunderstandings. He loves you enough to be a Father who sometimes says “no” when He knows better. He loves you enough to make you wait on Him even when you want something so badly.
Remember this: Another month without a pregnancy is not a failure. It is simply another step toward the fulfillment of God’s perfect plan for your family.
And for that, we really can be thankful.
Throughout the dreaded two week wait (that always feels like it lasts at least two months) you try to remain positive without letting your hopes rise too high. You know that if you’re not pregnant the fall will be devastating and the crash may be too much to take. The ups and downs are simply ridiculous! Still, you try to trust God through the uncertainty and you tell Him you’ll take whatever He has planned .
Day 28 comes. Day 29. Could this be it? Should you wait one more day before you take a home pregnancy test, or should you do it now? Is this the moment you’ve waited for all these months? Did God finally come through? Before the celebrating begins, you realize you’re right back where you started from. There’s no pregnancy, just another period. Another failed attempt. Another time God has said “no”. Another devastating “down” in this roller coaster ride of infertility.
The strong faith you held on to just days before seems to have dissipated. You’re hurt, disappointed and confused. If we could roll back the curtains of Heaven and have a face to face conversation with the Almighty, would it sound something like this? “God, why do You allow me to hurt like this? Don’t You know how badly I want a baby? You didn’t let me conceive. I told You I trusted You. I told You I believed You. I put this in Your hands, God, and You stopped it again!” Perhaps it’s then you would hear your Father say to you, “Child, you’re welcome.”
You’re welcome? Did God not understand you? Was there something lost along the way, or did God not understand? No, hurting friend, God didn’t misunderstand. But maybe you did.
You are reassured every time you open the Bible that God has a plan for your life that He lovingly designed specifically for you. We quote Jeremiah 29:11 as easily as we can recite our own address and phone number, but do we really believe it? I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. God tells us that He knew us before we grew inside our mother’s womb. He has us engraved on the palms of His hands. He knows you want a baby more than you want the next breath you’ll take. He also knows exactly what needs to happen for His plan to be made manifest in your life to bring about this hope and future for you. God knows the hurt you feel every time you face another period and pregnancy-free month. He also knows that if He allowed you to conceive a child that He has not destined for you it would be a magnanimous tragedy. What if He allowed you to get pregnant, yet His perfect plan for you was an adopted child? What if His beautiful plan for you includes a pregnancy to begin in 6 months, yet He weakened and thought, “Well, she’s begged for a baby so much, I guess I’ll give in and let her conceive a different child now. It won’t be the child I have for her, but I’m tired of hearing her beg.” God loves you more than that. He loves you enough to love you through your misunderstandings. He loves you enough to be a Father who sometimes says “no” when He knows better. He loves you enough to make you wait on Him even when you want something so badly.
Remember this: Another month without a pregnancy is not a failure. It is simply another step toward the fulfillment of God’s perfect plan for your family.
And for that, we really can be thankful.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Perseverance
Perseverance. Infertile women know all about perseverance. We remain steadfast in our desire to conceive no matter how insane our medication makes us! We keep trying to maintain our sanity no matter how many pregnant co-workers we must throw showers for! We continue to ask for grace to keep going as we press on toward the goal of finally holding that much-desired bundle of joy in our arms! Oh yes, we understand perseverance!
So could the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. Boy, we could really have a conversation with her, couldn’t we? Just like us, her body betrayed her too. She had gone to doctor after doctor and none could help her. She had spent every penny she had, yet the blood continued to flow. (Are you feeling a connection with her yet?) She tried everything she knew to try, yet nothing had worked to correct the faultiness of her body. Yet something in her pressed her to persevere.
Perhaps it was the excitement in the air when she heard Jesus was passing through her community that drew her to the streets that day. Maybe it was desperation. She may have been at the end of her rope and just tired of suffering for so long. Whatever the catalyst, something spurred this woman on to force her way through a bustling crowd of people to get to where Jesus was. She was certainly not welcomed among the throngs of mothers and children. Shunned at family gatherings and avoided by peers, it must have been uncomfortable for her to even show up, much less shove people out of her way. She knew she had one last chance and she had to make it count. She had to persevere one more time.
She must have begun crawling toward Jesus. She crept this way, and then that. Everyone was looking over the person’s shoulders in front of them, and no one thought to look down! If they felt her brush against their knees, they assumed she was a child or an animal and for once, didn’t even bother to move away! Oh, it was difficult, but she was making ground. Jesus wasn’t moving too swiftly, and He’d stop to talk to people, so she’d surely be able to catch up with Him. She didn’t know what she’d do when she made her way to Him, she just knew she had to get to Him. She’d figure out the rest when she got there.
Her body was weakening. She didn’t know how much further she could go. Only a little further. Keep going! He’s within reach. “If I could just touch His cloak, I know I’ll be healed!”. With one final surge of strength, she pushed her worn body out as far as she could reach as her finger tips brushed the fringes of His garment, her exhausted flesh fell to the dusty ground with a thud.
“Who touched Me?”
The crowd stopped moving, and the whispering began. “What does He mean? A lot of people were touching Him. Many people were reaching for Him. What does He want to know?”
He asked again. “Who touched Me?” She knew. She knew He was talking about her. Taking a deep breath, she began to rise to her feet. For the first time in years, the trembling in her body was from excitement rather than weakness. “It was me.”
You could hear the gasps throughout the crowd when they saw this societal reject approach Jesus and take center stage in this mind boggling event. Who did she think she was to touch Jesus? She better get ready for a tongue lashing!
“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
For the first time in 12 years, no bleeding. No weakness. No need to hide, no need to feel different. No need to wonder if God cared. No need to listen to nay-sayers who said to give up and accept that her suffering was God’s plan. She persevered and her faith survived.
I’m sure you can relate to this woman at the beginning of her story. Her body betrayed her. She was an outcast in her society. Her struggle seemed to last forever. Doctor after doctor scratched their heads in bewilderment and all her money was gone. I hope you can relate to her perseverance in the face of on-going struggle.
If you fear that it makes no difference if you continue to pray for a baby, remember this woman and persevere in your prayer life. If you wonder if you are being foolish to continue to believe God for a miracle, remember this woman and hear Jesus say to your heart, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.” If you persevere, eventually your fingers will brush the fringes of His garment. Your life will change and you’ll never be the same.
So could the woman with the issue of blood in Matthew 9. Boy, we could really have a conversation with her, couldn’t we? Just like us, her body betrayed her too. She had gone to doctor after doctor and none could help her. She had spent every penny she had, yet the blood continued to flow. (Are you feeling a connection with her yet?) She tried everything she knew to try, yet nothing had worked to correct the faultiness of her body. Yet something in her pressed her to persevere.
Perhaps it was the excitement in the air when she heard Jesus was passing through her community that drew her to the streets that day. Maybe it was desperation. She may have been at the end of her rope and just tired of suffering for so long. Whatever the catalyst, something spurred this woman on to force her way through a bustling crowd of people to get to where Jesus was. She was certainly not welcomed among the throngs of mothers and children. Shunned at family gatherings and avoided by peers, it must have been uncomfortable for her to even show up, much less shove people out of her way. She knew she had one last chance and she had to make it count. She had to persevere one more time.
She must have begun crawling toward Jesus. She crept this way, and then that. Everyone was looking over the person’s shoulders in front of them, and no one thought to look down! If they felt her brush against their knees, they assumed she was a child or an animal and for once, didn’t even bother to move away! Oh, it was difficult, but she was making ground. Jesus wasn’t moving too swiftly, and He’d stop to talk to people, so she’d surely be able to catch up with Him. She didn’t know what she’d do when she made her way to Him, she just knew she had to get to Him. She’d figure out the rest when she got there.
Her body was weakening. She didn’t know how much further she could go. Only a little further. Keep going! He’s within reach. “If I could just touch His cloak, I know I’ll be healed!”. With one final surge of strength, she pushed her worn body out as far as she could reach as her finger tips brushed the fringes of His garment, her exhausted flesh fell to the dusty ground with a thud.
“Who touched Me?”
The crowd stopped moving, and the whispering began. “What does He mean? A lot of people were touching Him. Many people were reaching for Him. What does He want to know?”
He asked again. “Who touched Me?” She knew. She knew He was talking about her. Taking a deep breath, she began to rise to her feet. For the first time in years, the trembling in her body was from excitement rather than weakness. “It was me.”
You could hear the gasps throughout the crowd when they saw this societal reject approach Jesus and take center stage in this mind boggling event. Who did she think she was to touch Jesus? She better get ready for a tongue lashing!
“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
For the first time in 12 years, no bleeding. No weakness. No need to hide, no need to feel different. No need to wonder if God cared. No need to listen to nay-sayers who said to give up and accept that her suffering was God’s plan. She persevered and her faith survived.
I’m sure you can relate to this woman at the beginning of her story. Her body betrayed her. She was an outcast in her society. Her struggle seemed to last forever. Doctor after doctor scratched their heads in bewilderment and all her money was gone. I hope you can relate to her perseverance in the face of on-going struggle.
If you fear that it makes no difference if you continue to pray for a baby, remember this woman and persevere in your prayer life. If you wonder if you are being foolish to continue to believe God for a miracle, remember this woman and hear Jesus say to your heart, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.” If you persevere, eventually your fingers will brush the fringes of His garment. Your life will change and you’ll never be the same.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Spared
After a difficult struggle with infertility that involved much medical intervention, God blessed my husband and me with a beautiful daughter, for whom we are eternally grateful. Never a day goes by that we are not breathlessly aware of His amazing gift of her. When she was four years old, we returned to our physician in an attempt to conceive again. Nothing happened. More surgery, more rounds of medications, more procedures. Nothing. We decided to lay down the attempts at a biological child and pursue the miracle of adoption.
After prayerful consideration, we decided we would adopt from Russia. The Russian people had always been so intriguing to me and it just felt right. We contacted a reputable adoption agency, were quickly accepted and began the never-ending mountains of paperwork--in English and in Russian! Nothing happened. Our dossier was completed. Months passed. Nothing. A year passed. Suddenly everything felt wrong. We decided to change courses again.
We began to look into domestic adoption. We didn’t really understand why we felt the way we did. We had prayed over every step we took. We believed God lead us back to the fertility clinic, but then we believe He lead us away. We believed He lead us to pursue a Russian adoption but felt just as strongly that He was leading us to lay it down as well. Would He lead us to complete a domestic adoption or would He ask us to stop this as well?
We went through the process, filled out more mounds of paperwork and began yet another waiting process. We were assured that our profile would be quickly chosen by a birthmother and that our family would soon be complete. After another year, we were told that our documents were never even looked at by birthmothers. We were never even considered. It was then that we decided to lay down our attempts to adopt. Our family would be complete as it was. For the first time, we felt completely at peace.
Several years later, my husband was praying as he was driving to work. He wasn’t praying about having more children or adopting a child. We had resolved those issues and remained at peace about it. However, God spoke to him and he said he knew God was speaking about not giving us more children. “I’ve spared you from a greater sorrow,” God said to my husband.
We thought we wanted more children. We thought our family was not complete and we thought we knew what we needed to do. We pursued every avenue we could to bring more children into our home. God, in His wisdom and love, put up roadblocks at every turn! God spared us from a sorrow greater than not having a house full of children. True, I always thought I wanted a large family. What I didn’t want was a large family of children who would not love and serve God. Perhaps He looked down through time and eternity and saw that my children would not have served Him, so He spared me--and them--that sorrow. Perhaps my heart couldn’t take the heartbreak of miscarriage. He spared me that sorrow. I am eternally grateful for the sorrow He has spared me.
What if we had dug our heels in the mud? What if we had forced our will over His like Sarah did in the Old Testament? No longer trusting in the promises given by God, Sarah approached Abraham with her own plan and orchestrated the events that eventually lead to the birth of a child borne to Abraham and Sarah’s maid, Hagar. Oh, the chaos that ensued! The women hated each other, the mother and child were banished to the dessert and there is fighting in the Middle East to this very day because of the birth of this child, Ishmael. What if Sarah had let God work His plan in her life rather than getting ahead of Him? What if she had waited a little while longer rather than deciding she knew the future better than the One who had written her future?
You may not understand the road He leads you down. Perhaps God is sparing you from greater sorrow. You may think you know what you want and need. God knows the intricacies of your future more than you ever could. He knows what you need and knows when you need it. Even if your heart is hurting, consider that God may be sparing you from greater sorrow. Roadblocks may just be His way of loving you and sparing you from great pain. Only eternity will tell how much sorrow He has protected you from. Trust His plan and His love for you, even if His plan involves a few roadblocks and setbacks. It may just be His way of sparing you from greater sorrow.
After prayerful consideration, we decided we would adopt from Russia. The Russian people had always been so intriguing to me and it just felt right. We contacted a reputable adoption agency, were quickly accepted and began the never-ending mountains of paperwork--in English and in Russian! Nothing happened. Our dossier was completed. Months passed. Nothing. A year passed. Suddenly everything felt wrong. We decided to change courses again.
We began to look into domestic adoption. We didn’t really understand why we felt the way we did. We had prayed over every step we took. We believed God lead us back to the fertility clinic, but then we believe He lead us away. We believed He lead us to pursue a Russian adoption but felt just as strongly that He was leading us to lay it down as well. Would He lead us to complete a domestic adoption or would He ask us to stop this as well?
We went through the process, filled out more mounds of paperwork and began yet another waiting process. We were assured that our profile would be quickly chosen by a birthmother and that our family would soon be complete. After another year, we were told that our documents were never even looked at by birthmothers. We were never even considered. It was then that we decided to lay down our attempts to adopt. Our family would be complete as it was. For the first time, we felt completely at peace.
Several years later, my husband was praying as he was driving to work. He wasn’t praying about having more children or adopting a child. We had resolved those issues and remained at peace about it. However, God spoke to him and he said he knew God was speaking about not giving us more children. “I’ve spared you from a greater sorrow,” God said to my husband.
We thought we wanted more children. We thought our family was not complete and we thought we knew what we needed to do. We pursued every avenue we could to bring more children into our home. God, in His wisdom and love, put up roadblocks at every turn! God spared us from a sorrow greater than not having a house full of children. True, I always thought I wanted a large family. What I didn’t want was a large family of children who would not love and serve God. Perhaps He looked down through time and eternity and saw that my children would not have served Him, so He spared me--and them--that sorrow. Perhaps my heart couldn’t take the heartbreak of miscarriage. He spared me that sorrow. I am eternally grateful for the sorrow He has spared me.
What if we had dug our heels in the mud? What if we had forced our will over His like Sarah did in the Old Testament? No longer trusting in the promises given by God, Sarah approached Abraham with her own plan and orchestrated the events that eventually lead to the birth of a child borne to Abraham and Sarah’s maid, Hagar. Oh, the chaos that ensued! The women hated each other, the mother and child were banished to the dessert and there is fighting in the Middle East to this very day because of the birth of this child, Ishmael. What if Sarah had let God work His plan in her life rather than getting ahead of Him? What if she had waited a little while longer rather than deciding she knew the future better than the One who had written her future?
You may not understand the road He leads you down. Perhaps God is sparing you from greater sorrow. You may think you know what you want and need. God knows the intricacies of your future more than you ever could. He knows what you need and knows when you need it. Even if your heart is hurting, consider that God may be sparing you from greater sorrow. Roadblocks may just be His way of loving you and sparing you from great pain. Only eternity will tell how much sorrow He has protected you from. Trust His plan and His love for you, even if His plan involves a few roadblocks and setbacks. It may just be His way of sparing you from greater sorrow.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Blind Roosters
"...your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."
Matthew 6:8b
And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
Psalm 139:16
I saw a humorous television commercial the other day in which a woman told her husband that she wanted sleep like they did before their rooster went blind. The rooster knew it was born to "cock-a-doodle-doo", but because of his blindness, he couldn't tell when the sun rose each morning. Therefore, he would crow at all hours of the day AND night! There must have been lots of sleepless nights around this blind rooster!
Surely you have felt like a blind rooster at some point in your dealings with infertility. You KNOW you are meant to be a mother. You have nurturing ability beyond description. You were born to pour your life into someone else and make a difference in their life. The problem is that you're a blind rooster! Because of the blindness of infertility, you cannot see how to release these gifts and talents without a child. You cannot fathom a suitable outlet for the loving and nurturing you hold in your heart. This frustration has brought you countless sleepless nights as well.
It's not just that you WANT to nurture and heal hurts. You NEED to. It's not just that you WANT to guide and shape the next generation. You're going to explode if you can't! Do you realize that God knows what you have need of before you do? Long before you ever realized you had a problem with fertility, God knew He had placed these beautiful traits in you. He's known your blueprint for a long time! He also knew the aggravation and irritation infertility would bring you. Here's the good news. He knows just how to provide an outlet for you to release these gifts He has give you--even as you wait for a child.
Leah is a woman with a tender heart who cares deeply about the people God has placed in her path. Because of her career as a social worker, Leah comes into contact with hurting, scared people almost daily. Some may look at her life and think God has quite a sense of humor! In spite of her struggle with infertility, He has called her to work in a home for unwed mothers! Leah, without a child of her own, loves and offers guidance to young girls who find themselves in unwanted pregnancies! In fact, Leah recently accompanied one of her young charges into the delivery room, placed cool cloths on her forehead, held her hand through labor and comforted her through her fear. With Leah, "love really is an action verb!
Through this very unique situation, God provided Leah with an outlet to nurture. Quite honestly, she took the role of "mother" to this troubled teenage girl who had no one else. While she has not yet been given the opportunity to take care of her own child, God--in His infinite wisdom--placed Leah at the right place at the right time, and gave her the grace to take care of someone else's child. While accompanying an unwed teen into the labor/delivery room is not most infertile women's idea of God's providing a way to meet their needs, it was the perfect way for God to meet Leah's needs.
How has God met your specific, unique need to nurture? Perhaps you keep the nursery at church or tach a class of rambunctious eight year olds on Wednesday nights. Do you pour love and affection on your nieces or nephews or your friend's children? Does your heart yearn to wrap your arms around the lonely widow sitting alone on her porch day after day? If you cannot see how He's working to meet your needs, ask Him to show you. He's incredibly creative! He may just surprise you!
May God bless you as you "cock-a-doodle-doo"!
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